Have you ever been in a relationship where it feels like, you don’t belong in it, no matter how lovely your partner is, or how well they treat you, there is just a part of you that always feels unsure, and undeserving of such love and affection. Have you ever felt like you can’t be your true self in a relationship because you don’t want to ruin it? I have been that way too, I have felt like I need to walk on eggshells around my partners, or be a doubting Thomas to their words and actions of assurance. With the few tips I will share below, I have been able to work on my emotional security and do better.
1: Appreciate your partner’s efforts: Efforts are very important in a relationship, especially with a partner who tries to learn your love language and speaks it to you as much as they can, it is very important to let them know that their trials in making you feel seen, heard, understood and wanted is not in vain. You can appreciate them by learning about what they love and doing them as much as possible.
2: Stop reminiscing over hurtful past: Whenever a relationship ends, the urge to dwell in the memories and relive the painful memories are often high, we tend to constantly think about it, what we could have done better, how we could have acted better or what we could have said, we go as far as blaming ourselves or being bitter about it. It is never emotionally healthy to dwell on a painful past, in fact, it poses a barrier and stops us from moving forward. The best way to have a secure relationship is to learn the lessons from the past and move on from it, and not carry them as baggage into the next relationship or be guarded to “avoid” the past events being repeated.
3: Concentrate on the Positive Present: Relationships are meant to be enjoyed, so it is always important to stay in the present and enjoy it, stop thinking about things going wrong, or try to be stiff while expressing your emotions, Enjoy whatever is being offered to the fullest, and stop worrying or comparing it with your past.
4: Quit overthinking and Mind Reading: One common truth in relationships is that we can never know people’s true intentions, till they show it through their actions. So overthinking a person’s character isn’t healthy because you could be thinking of one thing and they are doing the exact opposite. Also hearing what a person isn’t saying is unfortunately wrong, no matter how curious you are, create space for your partner to actually say what he or she has in mind, be open-minded while listening, and understand what they are presently saying not what you “feel” they want to say.
5: Practice Accountability: Most times, we get engrossed in relationships and we forget that we are dealing with humans that have emotions, people that have feelings, who actually do a lot of sacrifices to be with us, no matter how we treat them, so we need to be accountable for our words and actions, especially when a partner complains about it. So, instead of trying to manipulate the situation or make them feel like their feelings aren’t valid, we should try to listen and apologize, then make noticeable changes towards doing better in the relationship.
6: Don’t be a Pleaser: Pleasing a partner at the expense of your authenticity will only drive them away, especially when the person is self-aware, They don’t need you to be perfect or to prove yourself, You should have a mind of your own and be open to taking corrections when it is needed.
7: Practice Self-awareness: No one can love or treat you better if you don’t know how you want to be treated and loved, they can only try according to their understanding of how they feel, you want to be treated. But it will never be the same, and this is because you are clueless about what you need and want. So first, look within yourself, the things that make you happy and comfortable, the actions that brighten your day, the little things that mean a lot to you, study your love language, and learn to communicate and earn them, build healthy and strong boundaries and respect them.
8: Seek the services of a therapist: It’s often hilarious how people think therapy has to do with severe mental issues, but truly it doesn’t. Most problems we deal with in our adulthood stem from our childhood, it could be a case of neglect or rejection, which limits our interactions with others as adults, so it is very important to rewind through therapy, to unlearn certain agelong patterns and heal from harmful behaviors which have become coping mechanisms in adulthood.
9: Stop Comparisons: Oftentimes, we tend to compare our lives and relationships with other people’s lives, which is often mentally and emotionally unhealthy. Learn to stand in your uniqueness, with the knowledge that you are the best at being You. Create your happiness and live contentedly in it.